Monday

After searching for documents today that would reveal my ancestry, tucked away carefully in my latest secret spot - I come up empty. I was entrusted with these papers and I am clueless to where they are. Spent my entire evening digging, searching... only to find envelopes entitled 'birth certificates' also empty, as well as empty plastic sleeves for shot records for my children now grown. I am so incredibly organized at work... always my strongest 'rating' in any job review, ever...but surprisingly, somehow...my organizational skills have gone amiss at home. I need these papers. Found out that my great, great grandmother's name was Annie Hall - so ironic that my favorite film from Woody was that, and it thrilled me to no end to discover that great name an actual relative. So my dad calls me this weekend to verify a date of birth for a great great grandfather, based on those papers he sent me, and I can't find them. Anywhere...

I think I need a new 'safe place' that is one single simple place. These brilliant ideas of mine to hide these treasures safely away is just not working. Leaving me frustrated, amazed, and in a way smiling at my total incompetence with anything entrusted to me... at home. Perhaps it is a part of this whole 'being lost' thing I am going through. Maybe when I get closer to finding me, I will find that birth certificate of mine, and those papers naming those that ultimately brought me here, and more...

Two things I did find...

One, the death certificate for my ex husband of over 20 years - the father of my children.. the death certificate that named so many toxic causes of his demise that I had to resort to dictionary.com to find out what these drugs inside him actually were... and it broke my heart to know that this family I made with him, is never more. Ever, ever, again. I truly think one has to experience the loss of a co-parent to understand the flood of emotions that surface each and every time those words of ' no 'do overs' come to mind... family, in terms of how it was made, is gone. Never to be retrieved, even in a distant holiday or wedding - gone. Does this affect me more than my children I wonder? They seem to be moving on in ways, but I still worry so very much about the 'Father of the Bride Wedding Dance' and the 'Walk down the Isle' that will never be experienced by the daughter he made, and left to only me. And his son, my son... who seems so lost too, and held captive in ways that make me wonder if he will be stuck in this 'never shown what to do or be as a man' phase forever...

Two... also found my marriage certificate for my 'new' husband of what will be five years in September of this year. This anniversary that neither of us have remembered even once, in the four previous years we've been married. Is it because we are seconds, and things like that are just not as sentimental, or is it because we got married too soon, on the wrong day - the 2nd, when both of us were born on the 8th of a month and should have stuck with that 8 to always know - or that we are in a, for lack of a better word, a rut... him low on hormones that make him not want to be held and loved, and me raging in hormones that make me only want to be held and loved... Regardless, we never remember, and I have decided tonight we'll just change the date to the 8th, so we do... as for the hormones. We need to meet in the middle with effort and love, or this journal will turn on me...and begin to sound like a marriage more empty than full, and I am just not willing to go there again. Just not willing. I love him and we just need to figure this thing out. Too late for 'do-overs' here too..

Well, it is late, and I am sounding a lot more blue than I really am. I am happy, just stressed at work, with huge changes coming - so many people leaving and me, soon to be alone in 3-person department servicing so many, doing the work of, well... 3. But I love my job and will stick this out. I can do this... After all... I am so very organized... so incredibly organized...at work.

Well there you go... A Seinfeld full circle. Time to close with that one...